


"You're Exhausting"

by tears_of_the_sun



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drugs, Other, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:27:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24053623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tears_of_the_sun/pseuds/tears_of_the_sun
Summary: Buck has a rough night.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 122





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Major trigger warnings for depression, a suicide attempt, drug abuse, and alcohol abuse.

_You’re exhausting_

Buck could never really escape those words.

Sure,

Eddie had said them because he was mad.

And sure,

Maybe he didn’t mean them now.

But they were true, weren’t they?

Afterall, Buck was exhausting. He was constantly getting hurt. He was constantly annoying everyone… bothering them.

Why did they bother putting up with him?

Why?

What did he offer?

The 118 had just gotten off a particularly hard shift.

Buck jumped down from the truck and went to the locker room. He didn’t bother to change he just grabbed his bag and walked out. Eddie and Hen both noticed, but neither said anything.

Buck climbed into his Wrangler and drove to his apartment. He locked the door, dropping his bag next to his feet. He groaned and went to the kitchen pouring himself a Whiskey which he proceeded to down. 

And, another.

And, a third

Fourth.

He slowed down on the fifth.

Now, he was sitting on his couch, the bottle next to him and his head in his hands.

He was crying. But why? The alcohol..? maybe. Probably not though.

_You’re exhausting_

_You’re exhausting_

_You’re exhausting._

_You’re._

_Exhausting._

“No, no, no NO!” Buck screamed and threw his glass and it shattered against the wall.

Was he? Was he exhausting? No. no, he wasn’t.

He knew he wasn’t.

But he couldn’t rationally fight the thought. Not tonight. Normally, he could. But not tonight.

Everything came flooding back. All of the horrible things. The years of manipulation by his parents. The fear that he would never please them. He went into the wrong sport, weighed too much, didn’t go to college for the right degree. He didn’t wear the right thing or look the right way. Everything they told him for years came back to him.

Everything he hated about himself, all of the insecurities. Came back.

All. At. Once.

Maddie had left him, twice. She just left. Once was her choice. The other was Doug. Fuck Doug. Doug deserved what he got. At least he couldn’t hurt another woman, or Maddie, ever.

Maybe he was exhausting, after all, he had burdened her for years. She was too focused on him to enjoy high school. Too worried about him through college then Doug came around. He failed her. He didn’t try hard enough. She deserved a better brother. He, was a failure.

The team... gosh. He’s fucked up there more times than he can count. He had failed them more times than he knew. Than he could count…

He was pacing around his apartment now, crying.

_Back_

_And_

_Forth_

_Back and forth_

_Back and forth._

Buck’s cheeks were red, and puffy. He was exhausted. He was tired of this. Of burdening everyone. Of being exhausting. Of failing.

He went to his kitchen and grabbed his bottle of oxy which he had been given after his leg had been crushed.

Ali.

Ali couldn’t handle Buck, so she just left. Walked out.

_You’re exhausting._

One pill landed in his hand.

_No one needs you_

Two.

_They would be better without you._

Three.

_You’re failing them._

Four.

In his mouth they went, with a chaser of whiskey.

Buck fell to his knees, sobbing.

He hated himself. He hated that he had no one he felt he could reach out to. He hated that Bobby didn’t believe in him enough that he had to go to the lawsuit that drove him away from all his friends. He hated that they were over there having fun, and here he was here in a pool of his own tears.

He hated how he looked; he hated his actions. He hated everything. Everything that he could think of, he hated. He was exhausting. He didn’t want to burden them anymore. He didn’t… he couldn’t.

_Five, six, swallow._

Buck coughed slightly, taking another chaser of Whiskey. He looked down at the bottle and noticed he drank almost the whole thing. That alone should have him puking, let alone the combo of oxy.

He groaned and cried.

Then, the room went dark.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Buck's suicide attempt, the team has to watch as paramedics try to save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All trigger warnings for the last chapter apply here!

When Buck’s Wrangler wasn’t there when Eddie pulled in for their shift the next morning, he didn’t even park at the station. He just did a circle in the parking lot and drove to Buck’s apartment. 

He ran inside the complex, pulling the spare key out. He unlocked the door and went inside, kicking Buck’s duffle out of the way. “Buck?!” Eddie yelled, running up the stairs. He checked the loft and looked over the rail when he didn’t find Buck. That’s when he saw Buck on the floor behind the island with a fallen bottle of pills next to him that had spilled out, and a very low bottle of whiskey next to him. 

Eddie ran down the stairs, calling 911. 

He was in tears and rolled Buck onto his back. “This is firefighter Eddie Diaz with the 118. I need an RA unit at my current location.” He yelled into the phone checking for a heart rate. 

He felt nothing against his fingertips, “Buck, don’t you do this. You can’t die. Come back to me.” He cried. He started CPR and kept going until the 122 showed up and took over, the 118 right behind them. Bobby pulled Eddie away so they would have space to work on Buck. 

Eddie fought against Bobby’s grasp, he fought and fought until he saw the paramedics shake their heads. Eddie let out a gut-wrenching scream, collapsing into Bobby’s arms. He curled into the fetal position on the floor. 

Bobby’s.

Heart. 

Broke. 

He looked from the paramedics, to the young firefighter who was sobbing to Hen and Chim standing behind him with a look of pure shock on their faces. 

“No, one more time.” Bobby pushed. 

The paramedics exchanged a look and nodded. Bobby walked over to him and whispered into Buck’s ear too low for any of his team to hear:

Evan Buckley, you come back to us. You come back and tell that man you love him. And you live to see another day, damnit Buck.

Bobby said his piece and gave the paramedics room to work. They pushed another round of every drug they had to get his heart beating. 

“Charging 350” 

“Clear!”

Buck’s body shook, landing back on the floor with a thud. The heart rate monitor beeped, a slow and steady rhythm coming back. 

Eddie poked his head out, his eyes red and tear stained and cheeks splotchy.

He groaned and the paramedics immediately rolled him into the recovery position. He threw up almost immediately. 

Eddie was at Buck’s side in a second, “Buck?!” he asked in shaky tears, out of breath. 

Buck pushed Eddie away, sitting up, sobbing. “No, no, no” he cried

“I was free!” he yelled “I was free! Why did you bring me back?! I was free, Damnit!” 

Buck collapsed back down into the recovery position, too weak to move, and sobbed.

The team exchanged a glance. Bobby knelt down next to Buck, careful to avoid the vomit. “Buck? You did this on purpose?” he asked gently. He had his answer already by the way Buck was sobbing. Everything in Bobby broke for Buck. It sent him immediately back to Minnesota. He had been in the same position. 

Buck continued to cry, the paramedics still checking him over. “Since he’s one of yours we can leave him in your care, Captain Nash, however we advise taking him to the hospital. He’s a risk to himself. We need your signature taking over his care,” The younger of the paramedics handed a form to Bobby, which he signed and passed back. 

“Eddie, help me get him in the shower.” Bobby said and wrapped one of Buck’s arms around him and the pair dragged him up the stairs, much to Buck’s dismay. 

Buck was still sobbing and fighting them. They rested him on the floor of the tub, turning the water on. 

Buck curled into a ball, letting the water hit him and calm him down. Bobby and Eddie exchanged a glance, and Bobby nodded giving Buck and Eddie some space. He went downstairs to check on Hen and Chim. 

Buck’s head was rested between his knees, his body still shaking with soft sobs. 

“Buck…. Why didn’t you call me?” Eddie asked gently. 

Silence from the younger blonde-haired man greeted him. 

“Buck.. I would’ve come running.. y-you know I would, right?” 

Buck sniffled, looking up at Eddie. 

“you’re exhausting” he mumbled, causing a flicker of pain to cross Eddie’s features. 

“What? Buck, no, no you’re not.” Eddie said quickly. Then he remembered. “O-oh. Oh Buck. Buck no. that’s not. No.” Eddie shook his head, tears falling over his cheeks, his gut dropped. His everything felt absolutely sick. “Buck, I love you so much. You’re not exhausting. I was so mad…. Buck I was mad at the world and I took that out on you. Buck, look at me.”

Eddie begged, when Buck refused and tightened his muscles so Eddie couldn’t turn his head, Eddie jumped into the bathtub, straddling Buck. The water now fell directly onto Eddie’s back. He lifted Buck’s face to look into his.

“Buck, I love you so much. You are everything good this world has to offer. You are kind, you love my kid, you’re amazing. You’re a natural father. You’re a natural hero. I am so sorry I hurt you… and I understand if you never want to speak to me again.” 

Buck took a shaky breath in, he looked at Eddie’s eyes. Studied them. They were so hurt. So, so hurt. He hated seeing Eddie that hurt. Buck’s body shook with another sob, “I-I didn’t want to come back...” he mumbled softly. 

Eddie’s heart broke. He broke Buck. “I broke you,” he murmured softly, and immediately dropped his hands from Buck. He didn’t deserve to touch him. To look at him. To love him. He didn’t deserve him. 

Buck shook his head softly, “No, Eds.” He whispered. “Y-you saved me.” Buck’s eyes grew big, but with a small spark of hope. Buck pulled Eddie into a hug, and they both cried for a while. 

Bobby came back in a few minutes later, with some clean warm clothes for Buck. He set them on the sink and walked back out. 

Hen and Chim were okay- they would need some quality cuddle time with Karen and Maddie respectively, and a family dinner, and they would want Buck to talk to them when he felt comfortable. But they would be okay. They were just worried about Buck. 

Eddie pulled back and turned around turning the water off. “Come on, let’s get you dried and clothed,” he said gently, and helped Buck get out of his wet clothes. Eddie gently dried him off and helped him get dressed. 

Buck was rightfully exhausted and wasn’t very chatty. As Eddie pulled the shirt onto Buck, he groaned softly, his head spinning. When he stopped feeling dizzy, Eddie helped him out of the room. Bobby was waiting in the loft, “Do you need to go to the hospital?” Bobby asked gently. 

Buck took a second and evaluated himself. Yes, he was still miserable. But he didn’t actively want to die. And he wasn’t having any suicidal thoughts. Buck shook his head no. Bobby nodded, “Come on, you’re sleeping this off at the station then you’re coming home with me.” He said sternly. Buck went to argue, and Bobby put up his hand, “You were signed into my care, which I hold for the next 48 hours unless you go to the hospital. Now, my house, or the hospital. Your choice.”

Buck groaned and looked to Eddie for an out. Eddie shrugged and looked to Bobby. 

Bobby rolled his eyes, “The guest bed is big enough for two.” He said with a laugh and the three headed downstairs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I high key really don't like this chapter. But, I also normally don't like about 50% of what I end up writing and if I picked it all apart I would never post anything. And yes, I know if any one attempts suicide they //normally\\\ would not be given a choice in the whole hospital matter. so you don't need to comment on that. Any who, I hope this lived up to expectations. Let me know if you would want one more chapter? though I think the ending line is a pretty decent place to wrap it up. 
> 
> drop your feedback! Thanks all!

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally going to be a one-shot but drop a comment if you want another chapter. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos make my day!! thank you all!


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